The hot searing pain is progressing intensely. No, no, please no. I already missed a day and a half this week of work. Please. I need to stay. What can I do? I grab an ice pack from the freezer and quickly apply it to the SCM. I rub an essential oil pain mix all over my neck and temples. The pain is getting worse by the seconds. My hand is growing heavy. Lightning bolts of pain stab my chest and halting my once even breaths. I take deep, long breaths of all the air I can gather up. Stomach pains swell over me as I think about all the ibuproferen I've taken this week and how much it burns my stomach lining. Tears are at bay as I think of my only option. I have to do it. I have no other choice. I need money. I need to get my work done. I am so far behind I'm already drowning in work. So many people are already disappointed.
My purse is hanging on the coat rack above my dog gently snoring on his bed. I reach in and find a familiar plastic cylinder object. I pause, gather myself, and slowly pull it from the bag. The label reads: Tramadol: Take 1 tablet by mouth every six hours as needed for pain. I set the bottle on my desk and stare at it. Guilt, anger, and sadness wash over me but those feelings are quickly drowned out by the waves of pain that are getting stronger. I open up the bottle, split a pill in half and pop it into my mouth as quickly as I can so maybe I can pretend like it never happened. But it did. And it will happen again and again.
Days home from work aren't entertaining. I normally can't leave the couch or the bedroom. Doctor appointments aren't a good excuse to get out of anything. The worst guilt is from trying to explain to people why I can't participate in certain activities. But this is our biggest battle... Pain killers. They aren't our only option, they're usually our last as we try to lastly vanquish our symptoms that do not leave us. Chronic pain sure isn't for the weak.
