Motivation.

I am 24 years old, about to turn 25.  My journey with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome started around age 19, with vague symptoms beforehand leading up to it.  At that age, you wouldn't see me on the couch or in bed.  I was driven, hard-working and motivated with every activity.

Since surgery, I have envisioned the next couple of months.  I picture myself healed.  I picture myself kayaking for hours, only leaving the water as the sun sets.  I picture myself up at 6 a.m. ready for my workout routine, going to work, coming home and doing laundry while making my dinner and even have time to clean the turtle tank.  I picture myself active once again.

The reality is that there is no timeline for healing with my body.  I'm not sure when that 'feel-good' moment will happen and it's beginning weigh down my happiness.  I'm scared that once I start physical therapy, it will take a very long time for me to get back to where I used to be.  I was already stir-crazy before my second surgery, and completely fed up after my first surgery in 2014.  The searing pain starting in my ear and running down the back of my head and neck finally ending in my shoulder blade is enough to make me want to rip my hair out.  My inability to lift over 5 pounds makes me feel weak.  Asking my boyfriend to do my dishes is demeaning and having energy to do them one moment and then not the next is confusing.

I've woken up during the night after dreaming of doing yoga.  I dream of climbing mountains and swimming vast open waters and taking a midnight jog.  My smile is content, hungry, eager for more.  I look strong and motivated.  I look healthy.  I usually wake up in a pool of sweat and pain as I roll over to get comfy.  My mind races as I try to venture back into dreamland.

Today, I would like to go back to work.  I talked with my mom about it many times.  My fear is that I will get there and it will be too much.  I'm scared I will over-work myself and cause too much pain or even worse: not work hard enough and look lazy.  With chronic pain, it's one end of the spectrum or the other.  So I've decided I'm not quite there yet.  I want to feel confident going back that no matter what the outcome, it won't affect me mentally.

However, staying home all day with little human contact is strange.  I'm so stir crazy that I want to move to the other side of the world thinking that I can run away from TOS and go back to my normal life.  I know it's silly; thinking I can run away from my pain and problems.  Normal people want to run away from job stress, money problems, relationship struggles.  I just want to be pain-free so I can join society once again as an independent, strong working woman.  I want to feel confident about the work I put into each and every day.  I want to count my blessings as I head to the gym after a 10 hour work day.  I want my parents to be proud of the strong young woman I've become.  And I'm not at that point as I am nearing 25.  I don't like it, and I can't wait to change it.  Although my body isn't the strongest, my motivation is.  It's the fire that fuels me.  It's the fire that makes me get up still every single day, with pain or without, challenging me to become a better person.  It's the fire that is going to get me back to good, but even better.


Equanimity,

Kelsey