Drifting through a luscious night of sleep, I hear the ting ting ting of my alarm in the distance. Opening my eyes, I reach for the alarm clock, throw a sweatshirt on and start making my coffee. Dimitri and Ellington beg for food as I connect Pandora Radio Station to my sound bar. The heavenly aroma of Italian Roast swirls into my nostrils. My apartment is clean, but I must make it better. After I eat my bowl of cereal, I work on my dishes, sweep the kitchen floor, organize laundry and dust. A light breeze dances through my apartment as I finish my chores and get ready for work. I make a mental note to scrub the bathroom sink and vacuum when I return. After giving the cats a big hug and kiss, I turn my key to my door and I'm off to enter the world. Organized. Energized. Efficient. Optimistic. Happy.
Night
I've slammed my alarm 3 times, still not able to fully open my eyes. A heavy fog has sunk into my brain as I yawn my way to the kitchen, tripping over two extremely hungry cats. Angry, I prolong feeding them out of annoyance. I attempt to start my dishes but the throbbing pain in my collarbone stops me in my tracks. I consider pain killers, aleve, ibuproferen, heat or ice, bio-freeze or essential oils. Something to suck out the hell that has sanctioned itself within the depths of my brachial plexus. I decide on an ice pack and my deep relief oil. Staring at the TV and sipping my coffee, I think of my to-do list for the day. I look around my apartment; cat hair on the coffee table, mounds of unsorted clothes in my bedroom, dishes piled up. It's not so bad, I guess. Could be worse. Nearing the bottom of my coffee, I have a choice. I look to the right into my kitchen, picturing myself putting shoes on and heading to work knowing very well it will bring non-empathetic stares and annoyed feelings of laziness. I look straight ahead to my bedroom where comfort, depression, guilt and irritation awaits. Neither are good choices. Neither will make me happy. Can I face it? Can I face the world today? Can I overcome the stares and judgement and brain fog and pain? Slipping under the sheets, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Pain. Anger. Frustration. Guilt. Fog.
This process is what I like to call Day & Night. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I have it often and if I don't, I think about it. It's the thought process between a good day (Day) and a bad day (Night). I noticed the difference after I received botox injections. I was in pain, exhausted and my apartment was a mess. But no matter how messy it got, I've always accepted it as It's not that bad. After dealing with chronic pain, I had to realize the fact that I will never be able to fully accomplish all my tasks in a single day. Once the botox started kicking in and a few good days frequented, I went nuts if my sink was full, if my coffee table was dusty or if my pets weren't fed. I became a control freak once again. Everything needed to be tediously placed and put away. I'd ween off my pain medications and start to feel good again; but there's never an ending to chronic pain.
The botox would wear off and I would be left with exhaustion from pain, stress and work. The chores would to pile up as did the mail on my dining room table. Checklists had to be made to keep my mind in check for the tasks at hand. My mind was foggy and simple things started to slip through the cracks. I would start to feel belittled and useless. Days and days of laying in bed fighting fatigue and sadness and anxiety would add up even more pressure. The constant nagging thought of what my family thinks of me hangs low over my head. The cycle would never end.
On top of everything else in my life, why do I have to go through this too? Why do I have to have chronic pain, and be tickled with the thought of amazing days when I have the most horrendous days along with them? I sat in bed this morning, with Dimitri and Ellington at my sides, but I couldn't lay still. I kept kicking my legs and clenching my fists. My mind wouldn't stop teasing my anxiety. I felt so fatigued and drained and depressed that I didn't want to go to work. I couldn't decide what to clean in my more-than-cluttered apartment. I turned the TV on and couldn't even decide what to watch. Then I repeatedly became angry with myself for my choices of the day. If I would have went to work like I did yesterday, I would have snapped or felt more pain and then I would be two days down on energy. On the other hand, the good days I feel way too good and wear myself out from doing too much. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking I have bad days at all. What gives?
The reason why I decided to finally share this is to ask for help. Not just for me, but others feeling this way too. How do you get out of it? How do you overcome the sickening feeling of not wanting to be in that exact moment but unable to unfreeze yourself? How are you able to be content and coast through every day, whether good or bad? Please comment and share some advice on this subject. And know, that you are never alone.
Equanimity,
Kelsey
The botox would wear off and I would be left with exhaustion from pain, stress and work. The chores would to pile up as did the mail on my dining room table. Checklists had to be made to keep my mind in check for the tasks at hand. My mind was foggy and simple things started to slip through the cracks. I would start to feel belittled and useless. Days and days of laying in bed fighting fatigue and sadness and anxiety would add up even more pressure. The constant nagging thought of what my family thinks of me hangs low over my head. The cycle would never end.
On top of everything else in my life, why do I have to go through this too? Why do I have to have chronic pain, and be tickled with the thought of amazing days when I have the most horrendous days along with them? I sat in bed this morning, with Dimitri and Ellington at my sides, but I couldn't lay still. I kept kicking my legs and clenching my fists. My mind wouldn't stop teasing my anxiety. I felt so fatigued and drained and depressed that I didn't want to go to work. I couldn't decide what to clean in my more-than-cluttered apartment. I turned the TV on and couldn't even decide what to watch. Then I repeatedly became angry with myself for my choices of the day. If I would have went to work like I did yesterday, I would have snapped or felt more pain and then I would be two days down on energy. On the other hand, the good days I feel way too good and wear myself out from doing too much. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking I have bad days at all. What gives?
The reason why I decided to finally share this is to ask for help. Not just for me, but others feeling this way too. How do you get out of it? How do you overcome the sickening feeling of not wanting to be in that exact moment but unable to unfreeze yourself? How are you able to be content and coast through every day, whether good or bad? Please comment and share some advice on this subject. And know, that you are never alone.
Equanimity,
Kelsey
