Through your eyes.

Mom,

Are you OK?  You're crying into a pillow.  I placed my paw on you three times with only a gentle rub in return.  Are you OK?  I want you to know I love you with all of my heart.  I hope you're OK.  I see you struggling.  I see you hit the snooze for the 5th time as me and brother get up off the bed to stretch.  I see you rise slowly as you gently stretch your arms in silence.  I just want you to know I'm here.

I tilt my head as you close your eyelids so tight, not wanting to be here, now, in this moment; because of all the pain you're enduring.  I see you.  I feel you as you gently stroke my back, knowing you didn't even want to lift your arm.  I lick your tears as you thank me for being there.  I'm always here Mom, and I always will be. 

I can feel your pace slow as you take us for our nightly walk.  I know you're exhausted but Mom... We're almost home!  We're so close, so you can rest!  I enjoyed sniffing every street light and lawn that we passed.  Thank you for that.  

I side eye you as you tell me you love me for the 15th time in one minute.  I slowly look up to you and give you a kiss on the cheek, hoping it would help.  It did.  You smiled.  And you sighed with relief.  That's all I want Mom.....  I want you to be happy.

I heard you on the phone with your Mom the other day.  I could tell you were upset.  Your voice wasn't the same.  You were pacing.  You were hurt.  You had sadness in your voice.  Why Mom?  Me and brother can give you happiness!  We're right here running around the house trying to get your attention!  We're here.  I just want you to know that.

I love sleeping by your feet.  It gives me purpose.  It gives me a sense of protection for you.  I can protect you from anything!  I just wish I could protect you from your own body.  But I can't so I'll do my heckin' best to protect your feet while you sleep.

Why do you smell funny Mom?  You smell like me when I go to the vet.  Sterile.  Did you go to the vet?  Why are your steps staggered?  Why is your Mom helping you up the stairs and into bed?  Can I help you Mom?  Can I comfort you?  I know I can!  I can kiss those tears away. 

Mom, we had such a great day at the park!  I fetched the ball every time for you so wonderfully.  I hope that brought you joy.  I'm so sorry my paws bled and you were scared.  I know it has happened a lot and you are worried.  I don't want you to worry.  Trust me, I had a blast!  Mom, this too shall pass and everything will be OK.  

Mom, you're smiling as you cover yourself up with the comforter.  You kiss me and brother and tell us you love us.  Your eyes are tired.  I know you're battling pain.  But I also know you can handle so much more.  I know that in this moment, everything is right in the world and you can sleep peacefully tonight with us by your side.  Goodnight Mom.  I love you with all my heart.

Equanimity,

Timber (through Kelsey)

Strength

I have strength.
I have strength when I am curled up in a ball in bed after the 5th day of my flare up, not ready to give up.
I have strength when my pain medicine is making me spin and nauseous, but I'm not going home from work.
I have strength when the nurse prods me with a needle for the 4th time because my veins are acting like twizzlers in my arm.
I have strength during an EMG when the doctor tells me he doesn't really 'think' I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, even though I've been diagnosed for the better part of 9 years.
I have strength when I go in for another upper scope with the fear that it has something to do with my TOS surgeries.
I have strength after the Doctor tells me that my paralysis that I already have in my esophagus could have gone further into my digestive tract.
I have strength when the Doctor tries to prescribe me anti-depressants for 'stomach cramps,' because I need one more medication and problem in my life.
I have strength as I take my digestive issues into my own hands because there's no way I'm touching that crap.
I have strength as my fatigue cloud kicks into high gear during the third meeting at work.
I have strength as I have my third cup of coffee and nod off while writing another email.
I have strength staring at the piled up dirty laundry I let lay in baskets another day because I need to rest.
I have strength when I push through the second half of my walk with the dogs because they need the exercise..... and so do I.
I have strength as I push the cart through Walmart, anxiety through the roof, just so I can put food on the table tonight.
I have strength after hours of yard work I know will put me into a flare up but it's so damn pretty when it's finished.
I have strength when I bail on friends the third time in a row because I'm just too tired and depressed to put on a smile.
I have strength as I finally shower after the fourth day of contemplating how much energy it's going to take me.
I have strength when I think about the difficult road that was placed in front of me, only to be stronger and smarter for the next portion of the journey.
I have strength when I stare into the mirror, still trying to understand myself completely and be OK with me the way I am.
I have strength as my fingers trace all of my scars that were placed on me by the devil himself, trying to pull me all the way under but failing.
I have strength.
I have strength because I am still here today, fully alive and breathing and conscious.
I have strength because I haven't given up.
I have strength because I am a warrior.
I have strength, and so do you.


Equanimity,

Kelsey