Reflecting back at the last few weeks, I can honestly sit here at my desk absolutely appalled at the events that have taken place. I'm all about good karma and positive energy, but a series of unfortunate events has left me pondering, why?
I started out the year with fire. And by fire I mean the red hot searing pain of a flare up in my neck and shoulder. My physical therapist who has been dry needling my shoulder finally told me I might be better off getting Botox Injections again for longer lasting pain-relief. Thanks to my fellow TOSers, I was able to quickly find a doctor within the area that can take on the challenge. After playing the waiting game with insurance-needs-to-approve-then-wait-18-years-for-an-appointment, my doctor promised me he would squeeze me in to get the injections the second it was approved.
Before I received the injections, I went to hell and back with Strep-A. I've never experienced a fever like I did with this nasty virus. In the high 103s, I couldn't think straight. Of course you (my lovely reader) know that sickness heightens chronic pain by ten-fold. Many hours of work were lost, I fell behind on laundry, dishes and cleaning and I wasn't giving enough attention to my pups. Trying to catch up, the stress alone created even a bigger flare. Thankfully the antibiotics finally kicked in and wiped out most of the virus. Most.
I was able to schedule the injections just as my virus was slowing down. I wasn't nervous for them, I was anxious for the side effects and the what-ifs. As I sat on my side with a medical gown draped over half of my shoulder, my mind trailed off. In 2014 I received Botox Injections at Froedtert. I couldn't remember it hurting this bad. I felt like I was getting a ton of flu shots in my shoulder, neck and head. I was afraid take a breath, fearful that my lung will rise up past my collar bone and that the doctor would poke it with a needle. I had confidence in this Doctor, but worries are always lingering. Dry needling definitely has taken away my pain and fear of needles, so it helped me remain calm during the injections. However, on the car ride home it was as if 100 bees were in the car, repeatedly stinging my neck. I couldn't focus, construct sentences, or even keep my head up. I didn't remember it hurting this bad after the first round.
A day after receiving my injections, I flew out for a business trip. I had planned to take tramadol the entire trip so I wouldn't become rundown from pain. Within the 4 days I was gone, fatigue started consuming me. It was hard to wake up to the annoying ringtone my phone blared in the early hours of the morning. It was hard to concentrate after a 2-hour meeting just to go into another one.
While on my trip, my beloved 5-year-old cat Ellington became deathly ill and passed away the night before I came home. I was absolutely torn. I am torn. My house isn't the same. The energy flow is halted and it feels stale. He no longer greets me on the bathroom counter. He doesn't paw at the shower curtain while I shower, trying to get it and feel the mist on his fur. He isn't there to jump up on my shoulders when I least expect it. He's gone, and the guilt consumes me daily. There were so many signs given to me pointing that I should stay home from the trip. The universe was trying to tell me something, and while I can't predict the death of a cat or anything for that matter, I still feel like I could have been there to catch the signs earlier.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to figure out exactly what I need to do to make me happy. Winter is a tough season for me. I cannot just go take a walk without the cold going directly to my bones, chilling my entire body and revealing my Raynaud's. I can't go to the lake and take a deep breath of air as I search for sea glass. I can't sit in my hammock and feel the wind gently rock me to sleep. So for now, I'll plan how I'm going to make the most of my summer and how I can be thankful for every single day and cherish it; pain or no pain. Summer, I'm coming for you. I'll fight for every ounce of your goodness and won't give up until I've done just that. This summer is going to be different. This summer is going to be about me.
Equanimity,
Kelsey Lynne
